Warnings: Involuntary crossdressing
Summary: Bad navigation and an overly optimistic Time Lord lead to Fitz walking down the aisle on a casino planet with a stupid name.
Fitzgerald Kreiner took a deep breath, mentally steeling himself for the task to come. What awaited him was possibly the most important moment of his life. He was a little annoyed because his palms were sweaty and his heart was pounding and that was just so cliché! But his annoyance was limited since most of his awareness was busy being nervous and painting a very dark picture of the future waiting for him.
He wondered how many men walking down this hall had felt the same way. Looking forward to the moment to come but dreading the future in case it all went horribly wrong.
Admittedly, his worst-case future was a lot worse than most of theirs. On the up side it wouldn’t be as long.
The deep breath he took was a bit shaking. That was just for show, of course. He wasn’t that nervous. Just a little. Just enough to get the job done. Actually he was being very professional right now. No one can deny that.
He could only hope a certain someone didn’t notice, because he’d never live that down. Of course he’d have a lot to shoot back at that certain someone, but right now that certain someone seemed embarrassingly clam and un-nervous. Like there wasn’t anything special about this.
His certain someone.
Fitz had devoted a good part of his life to girls and flirting and more or less successful attempts to go beyond that, but he’d never actually pictured himself walking down the aisle dressed in a back suit, with a beautiful person in a white dress at his side. Never. Never ever.
And even if he had, in his non-existent fantasies it would have been a lot more romantic. Like, there would have been more happiness and less horror.
The good thing about this was that in his black suit he looked a lot like James Bond.
The look was only right, though. Because he was completely in control and just that cool.
Taking another deep breath full of perfectly imitated nervousness he offered his arm and led his bride to be towards the altar.
“Where are we this time?” Fitz wanted to know, staring at the blinking lights and colourful decor all around them. This place was drowning in luxury, and it was a very pompous luxury. And colourful. It was as if every colour, every light was trying to outshine all the others.
The blinking lights marked the entrances to various establishments, meaning to lure in potential customers. It didn’t work, at least not with Fitz. He’d been all over the place, and ‘the place’ was the entire cosmos in his case. He’d been there, done that. It needed more than bright lights to lure him into anything.
He reconsidered that thought when the lights drifted away from the nearest door to swirl around his head.
The Doctor waved them away.
“Vegas Prome,” he answered. “Most popular casino planet in this part of the galaxy.”
“’Prome’?” Fitz repeated. “Shouldn’t that be ‘Prime’?”
“No. Vegas Prime is over in Fornax. This one was established a few decades later.”
Fitz thought about that. The colours above the door of another casino morphed into a well rounded and a little less than almost-naked girl that waved him over. As if he’d fall for such cheap images.
“Vegas… Is every bloody casino in the galaxy called Vegas?”
“Fornax is another galaxy,” the Doctor informed him. “But basically yes. The name is associated with casino and sin. If you say ‘Vegas’ everyone knows what you are talking about. It’s like a brand name. Also,” he added as an afterthought, “the human race has never been very creative when it came to naming things. ‘It works, so why change it?’” The Time Lord grimaced. “Have I ever taken you to New Earth?”
“Well, guess what they called their capital.”
The door under the holographic girl slid open and a woman stepped through. She leaned against the doorway in a way that was at the same time casual and seductive, and the excuse for a skirt she was wearing slid open like that door had when she put one leg over the other. Fitz didn’t need long to recognize her as the girl from the image above the entrance. When she noticed him staring she winked at him and smiled. The Doctor grabbed the hood of his Jacket when he started to wander off.
“Vegas Prome, you said?” the human recalled after he’d been manoeuvred around so he was facing a wall. “Casino.”
“That’s where we are,” the Doctor nodded.
“Right. And where did we want to go?”
A blank look.
“What makes you think we wanted to go anywhere else?”
“We travel by TARDIS,” Fitz reminded his friend. “When does it ever arrive where you want her to go?”
“She’s a fine ship,” the Doctor defended his beloved, the better half of this match made in hell.
“I don’t deny it. You’re just a lousy pilot.”
“Oh, look at that!”
Fitz rolled his eyes as the Doctor jogged over to the holographic map on the opposite wall. Shortly before he reached it though the Time Lord turned around and told him: “Don’t enter one of the casinos! Don’t touch anything! If you get caught looking at something the wrong way and we get checked over they’ll find out we’re not registered as visitors. Being here unregistered is illegal and illegal things get you killed. Law enforcement is harsh.”
“Killed?” Fitz gulped, glancing at the half naked girl again – only now she looked a bit like the wicked witch of the west to him.
“Well, some parts of you at least.”
But the Doctor was already happily studying the map.
Fitz groaned but followed him, keeping his hands close to his body so he couldn’t accidentally touch anything that would make him lose any parts of his body he’d rather like to keep.
It took the Doctor half a minute to figure out why the TARDIS had taken them here instead of wherever they had wanted to go originally. At least the Doctor claimed it was her doing, because sending them to a place where they were needed made a lot more sense than sending them to a place where they’d be relaxed and happy but useless. Fitz for his part believed the Doctor was making it up.
The object that was or was not responsible for their presence wasn’t an object at all, as it turned out. It wasn’t even an event. It was just information, stored away in the central computer that ran the casino complex. The computer was of alien origin, build by the Calanides a few centuries ago. It had been salvaged from the wreck of a crashed spaceship. The humans building the complex had taken it because it had been further advanced than anything Earth had to offer at that time – a few minor changes and it worked well with the systems. Unknown to most and unfortunately for Fitz, the Doctor, and their original travel plans the computer still had some information saved in its memory, about how to get through the defences of the royal place of Calanide. A group of men and women with questionable morals was right now planning to get a hold of that information and use it to break into the palace, to steal an incredibly valuable something or other. Fitz lost track of the Doctor’s explanation after the first three sentences. What he understood was that through their badly planned theft those people could easily start a war.
Apparently the Doctor had learned all that by overhearing the conversation of two men walking out of a casino.
“So we go take them out now?” Fitz wasn’t exactly happy about that idea. But the Time Lord was already shaking his head.
“We just erase the information from the computer. So no one can ever get the idea of using it again.” It sounded simple enough. “Well, actually I will erase the information. You will make sure I don’t get caught.” At this point Fitz began to have doubts.
Before they could try anything they needed access to the computer network. The Doctor found another interactive map in a small alley between one casino and another. Only the second one looked very much like a chapel.
“It is a chapel,” the Doctor informed Fitz after the human told him so, and the tone of his voice said that it should be obvious. It was, Fitz had to admit. “People marry there.”
“What, they come here to marry? Bit unromantic, isn’t it?”
The Doctor shrugged.
“Vegas,” he explained.
Right now there didn’t seem to be many insane couples around which left the alley deserted. It was their main reason for choosing it. Another reason was the fact that the alley had only one exit to watch.
A few people still passed them but the Doctor began to pull away the coverings of the map anyway, arguing that if he didn’t act like he was doing something forbidden everyone would assume he wasn’t doing something forbidden. They’d just believe him to be a technician at work. Fitz pointed out that he wasn’t exactly dressed like a technician but then, most people coming here were too drunk to pay attention anyway.
“Didn’t you tell me not to touch anything?” Fitz reminded his friend while trying to figure out how to keep watch without looking suspicious. “Because it leads to partial killing? I like my parts!”
“Don’t worry.” The Doctor didn’t take his eyes off his work. “There aren’t any security people nearby and I won’t need more than a few minutes. What could go wrong?”
Five minutes later they were sitting in a closet, pressed together in the dark and listening to the footsteps of five security men looking for them outside.
It hadn’t been Fitz’s fault! That was the second thing he would tell the Doctor once he dared to use his voice again, right after ‘I told you so!’ Right now he was too busy trying not to breathe.
Three hearts were beating in two chests at a speed that would certainly suffice for at least four. At least Fitz thought it was safe to assume that the Doctor’s hearts were beating as well. He couldn’t tell, because the Time Lord was more or less sitting on the human’s lap, his back pressed to Fitz’s chest. From outside they heard the voices of happily drunk people still far from the shock that would be the morning after, and nothing else.
“I think they’re gone,” the Doctor whispered.
“They’ll come back,” Fitz prophesied. And, remembering his plan, he added: “I told you so!”
What else he wanted to say he forgot when the Doctor moved a little and his button rubbed against his friend’s groin. Cringing soundlessly Fitz tried to move back a little. This could get embarrassing!
“Of course they’ll come back,” the Doctor agreed, completely oblivious to the human’s suffering. “They went inside. At some point they’ll have to come out again. Probably left someone in the hall.” He turned in his limited space, found some more room behind Fitz and tried to climb over him. In the complete darkness Fitz felt him moving against his body and could only hope the Time Lord didn’t notice this body’s natural and utterly normal and understandable reaction to someone being pressed so close against him. A reaction that was in no way influenced by emotions. Just by the Doctor accidentally rubbing his more sensitive parts. And the Doctor’s breath on the side of his neck, and the Doctor’s hands feeling around in the dark and finding his face…
Fitz yelped when a knee brushed over his loins. The Doctor hastily apologized, but if he’d noticed the other’s hardness he didn’t show it. Oh, why worry anyway? Even if he noticed he wouldn’t think anything of it! The Doctor was as clueless as a man could be.
Not that there was anything to have a clue of!
“Can’t we just sneak out?” Fitz suggested, willing his voice to sound remotely normal. “There are enough people outside to hide between them.”
As it had turned out there were more couples than he’d expected waiting inside the chapel. That they were currently sitting in a closet still wasn’t his fault. He’d watched the main road, as instructed. The security people had come out of the casino that blocked the other end of the alley. Fitz hadn’t even seen them. One second he was doing his job, the next the Doctor was pulling him into the chapel and then they’d been in the closet, just in time. At least the Time Lord had finished his job first.
Suddenly there was light – a soft blue glow, caused by the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver. In its light Fitz could see the Doctor, still uncomfortably close, shake his head.
“They’ve seen me. Too risky. Or…” He suddenly grinned, delighted. “We could dress up and sneak out in masquerade!” Turning awkwardly Fitz saw that the soft fabric he’d been leaning against wasn’t the material of coats as he’d expected, but of suits and dresses. Wedding dresses. It made sense, actually. Who spontaneously decided to marry here usually didn’t come in the necessary outfit.
It could work. They’d just be one couple among many, and same sex marriages weren’t unusual in this time and place. Only they still had to hide the Doctor’s face somehow.
Struggling upright Fitz discovered that there was indeed enough room for him to stand. After roaming though the dresses for a moment he found what he was looking for.
“They didn’t see my face,” he grinned. “So I’m not going to be the one wearing a veil!”
Another five minutes later Fitz was trying to push his way though the other couples with his bride at his side. It wasn’t easy – everyone else was moving into the opposite direction. When he’d been keeping watch outside he’d already noticed that a number of people went into the building but no one ever came out. It had worried him slightly. Now he was inside himself it worried him a lot.
Struggling into their outfits in that confined space hadn’t been easy and had involved a lot of skin colliding with skin. Fortunately the Doctor still hadn’t noticed. They’d just finished dressing when the doors had been pulled open by a couple that gave them weird looks. They melted, however, when the Doctor gave them his sweetest smile, just before pulling the veil over his face.
In one hand Fitz was holding something that looked like a bag but had been his shirt once. It was wrapped around the Doctor’s clothes he hadn’t been willing to leave behind. He was the one playing the bride, his friend had argued, so his clothes would be the set they saved. Fitz decided that sacrificing his pants was an acceptable price for seeing the Time Lord in a wedding dress.
His other hand was wrapped around the Doctor’s – so they wouldn’t lose each other in the crowd. The Time Lord was having even more trouble than him. The dress they’d found for him wasn’t long enough to hide his shoes so he’d had to change into stilettos. He wasn’t happy.
Fitz stopped when the Doctor said his name for the third time in a row.
“We can’t take this way. The doors are one-way.”
“Oh, and when did you intend to tell me?”
“By the time I had figured out how to get out.”
“Meaning you have figured it out now?”
They were interrupted by a hand on Fitz’s shoulder that made him jump. He whirled around, ready to throw either the bundle of clothes or the Doctor at the security man, but it wasn’t a security man. Just a guy in black clothes pulling him along impatiently.
“You’re the next ones, aren’t you? Chris Smith and Ellison Winterfield?”
Fitz wanted to correct him but the Doctor was faster.
“That’s us!” he said. “Ready to get married. Go ahead!”
The man raised his eyebrows at the not very feminine voice coming from behind the veil but didn’t say anything. Just led them into the actual chapel, where a man dressed as a priest was waiting beside an altar. The chairs left and right were full of people applauding when they stumbled in. The Doctor had informed Fitz that they got actually paid for that.
“Play along,” he now whispered. “There is a door behind the altar, though which the married couples leave. From there we can get straight to the TARDIS.”
“How come you know so much about this?” Fitz whispered back.
“I don’t. I’m rubbish at weddings.” Well, that helped!
Music began to play and the two of them slowly walked down the aisle. Fitz felt more like running but the Doctors hand on his arm held him back.
Looking into the smiling faces of the paid guests the human felt slightly stupid and very terrified. All the time he expected another hand grabbing his shoulder from behind, this one really attached to a security guy. Maybe they’d already brought the knife, and then he’d have to say goodbye to his most valued parts. As would the Doctor, but the Time Lord probably wouldn’t miss them.
Maybe Fitz should have insisted on an answer when he’d asked what parts exactly he’d lose. Could be his hands, after all. Not that that would be so much better.
The aisle was too long and far too short. Suddenly they were standing in front of the priest.
“Don’t you want to put away your bag for the duration of the ceremony?” the priest asked with mild disapproval.
“He can’t,” answered the Doctor in a whisper, pretending to be a woman with a very bad cold. “It’s a religious item.”
The man shrugged.
“As you wish.” He began his speech, only to be interrupted by Fitz.
“Could you give us the short version, please?”
“But on the form you chose the full one.”
“Well, we changed our mind.” He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I want to get this over with before she can change her mind.”
The priest didn’t say anything in return. Just straightened his shoulder and gave them the short speech:
“Do you want to marry her?”
“Well, that’s what we came for.”
The man frowned.
“That means Yes,” Fitz clarified.
“Do you want to marry him?” the priest turned to the bride. The bride didn’t answer aloud but gave a very enthusiastic nod.
“You may kiss.”
‘Do we have to?’ Fitz almost asked, but kept quiet for the sake of his body parts. Steeling himself inwardly he bend down a little and found the Doctor’s lips, barely visible through the veil. They met his in a kiss that tasted of closet. It wasn’t quite how Fitz had imagined his first kiss with the Doctor to be.
No, he hadn’t just thought that.
The priest was staring at them.
“What?” Fitz grumbled. “It was a kiss!”
“She’s shy,” the human informed him. “Because she’s so ugly. Can we go now?”
They could. When the Doctor stepped onto his feet with his high heels Fit wasn’t quite sure it had been an accident.
The Doctor had been right: the TARDIS was parked right around the corner. And they almost made it there without incident.
‘Almost’ in this case meant the TARDIS was just five metres away when the incident occurred. And the incident was the Doctor stumbling in his high heels and twisting his ankle.
“I’m fine!” he insisted, limping forward with effort. Fitz rolled his eyes and went to open both of the double doors leading into the time capsule. The he lifted his friend up into his arms and carried him inside.
“Well,” the Doctor grumbled once he was sitting in his favourite armchair. “You got to play the groom, so I guess it’s only fair you carried me over the threshold.” He sighed and already got up again. “Now I just want to get out of this silly dress!”
“I think it suits you,” Fitz grinned. Now the veil was gone nothing protected him from the full force of the Time Lord’s glare just before he wrapped his arms around his friend’s waist to help him.
The Doctor, wearing a tight fitting dress and leaning heavily against him. Fitz was glad the pants of his stolen suit weren’t quite as tight as his own pants had been.
“Since we’re husband and wife and I carried you over the threshold and all,” he began, half joking, “does that mean we get to consummate our marriage now?”
His friend turned to look at him though large, astonished eyes.
“Fitz,” he said patiently, as if talking to a child. “’Consummating the marriage’ is a sexual act. It means the married couple gets to sleep with each other.”
He yelped in surprised when Fitz groaned and lifted him off the ground once again, finally losing his patience with this man. Ignoring the other’s protests he walked over to the nearest bedroom with long, determined steps.
The Doctor wanted to get out of the wedding dress? Well, Fitz would gladly help him!
June 6, 2008